I have been writing to you all morning — through discomfort and grace. I made it to church and I often don’t make it to church.
I love being in community.
I do not like being squished shoulder to shoulder with people like on airplanes.
I love the choral music.
I can never keep track of where we are in the service.
I feel unabashedly loved by God and I am finally starting to understand Christ love in my heart.
I still believe in other paths to faith and love learning about and asking for support from Saraswati, the Hindu goddess of knowledge, music, art, learning and wisdom as well as Ganesh, remover of obstacles.
I believe in human rights which include trans rights and gay marriage as well as a women’s right to choose and control her own body.
I am friends with people who disagree with me on all of the above.
I feel pretty out of place sometimes sitting at church with mostly older wealthy white people.
I fail at listening to the readings and the gospel and forget what they are about immediately after they are shared.
I’m good at finding that sweet spot in the sermon which gives me something to hold as I exit.
I always need to use the bathroom partway through the service.
I get super bored, even during the good parts.
I stand up and sit down at the wrong times, every time.
I question why I go at all if I can’t be consistent.
I love, love, love getting down on my knees to pray after communion.
I almost always want to cry from joy and sorrow.
I am overwhelmed by the love of the Holy Spirit which I feel in community, in the music, in the readings that I can never remember.
I try to go to fellowship coffee hour and talk to people and then feel awkward and uncomfortable and pull an Irish goodbye.
And still, I love this church community. It is welcoming, well-organized and steeped in love and service.
I am sharing this because of the “yes, and” of life.
People will disappoint and hurt you. People will abandon you.
People will love you unconditionally.
Do you need people? Is it worth risking your heart?
Faith is messy.
Prayers are not guaranteed or warrantied.
The unseen is not visible and tangible and it is open to a level of doubt that belies its magic.
Community can be uncomfortable.
It is easier to believe.
It is easier not to believe.
You have nothing in common with the people who disagree with you.
You have everything in common with the people who disagree with you.
Do you need people? It is worth risking your heart?
Rage is holy.
Forgiveness is holy and hard.
Love is easy and impossibly difficult.
I am very close to NOT hitting publish on this blog post.
Do we need people? It is worth risking our hearts?
If you feel like giving up and giving in today, remember this:
I love you.
You have everything you need inside of you.
And that is divine.
You don’t have to believe what I believe. I don’t have to believe what you believe. And when in doubt, you can also call on Alvin or nature or whatever brings you comfort. Just, again, know that you are loved.