Crack the Egg: Finding Joy amidst Conflicting Emotions

Posted by rebeccainspiresnow

Lately, I’ve had some painful lessons that have manifested in the most glorious joy. I have to share some of the things that have helped me. If you already live like this, and these insights are not a surprise, I’m so excited for you! Please share and teach me more!

Here’s what I’m covering: how conflicting emotions can exist inside of you and how you can still live with joy. This, my friends, is your ticket out of the nauseating amusement park called “Guilt Shame Judgment Landia.”

If you are reading this on the go, I’m giving you the gift of access to a meditation that helped me to reach this level of happiness. Sheila Pai, of A Living Family, created it. Her work is so comforting. And she created a special page just for us! Once you provide your name and email address, you can download it. You’ll get the meditation in your email box. I enjoy them and hope you do too! (By the way, her Nurturing You book is the kindest, most gentle self-care book I’ve ever enjoyed. I credit it with a lot of my ability to step back without guilt and just be.)

Onward!

“You’ll always be too out of the box for me.”

One of my favorite blog readers wrote to me after my I Love You More Than a Boy Cheese Sandwich post. She said how happy she was to get back from church and see my email and then told me that I’ll still always be “too out of the box” for her. That was such a great gift. The fact that she is happy to read my words even if she’s not a charter member of my “woo-woo crew,” she can appreciate my love. So dear reader, it’s out of the box for us, and into the bowl!

What’s in your bowl?

So here’s the deal, it’s very, very simple: two things can exist in the same bowl. (Hint: you are the bowl.)

I’ll give you a personal example. During my son’s spring break, I was supposed to visit family. I was so excited to see everyone for Easter. And then my son got sick and we didn’t go. I was sad. And, because I have a lot going on in my life with work, the launch of my book and my impending move across country, I was also relieved.

Pretend I’m a mixing bowl: pour in sadness, relief and happiness too (because I could still be with my husband on Easter). I imagine them as salt, sugar and flour. It’s like when you are blending the dry ingredients in baking.

During this time, I was working with someone on my much deeper issues rooted in fear and courage. And when I was talking with her, I had a strong message to tell her to “crack the egg.” As we are charter members of the same crew, I had no problem telling her that I felt a figure, like a bear, leaning over me saying, “crack the egg, give it to her.” Honestly, at the time, I wanted to turn behind me with my best Philly girl self and say, “Alright already! I’ll tell her. Quit leanin’ over me!”

So I shared what I was told.

I could not get the image out of my head. I made a drawing. It sat unfinished on my floor. I looked at it every day. I pasted the dictionary definitions of “ubicada and desubicada” in the bowl for while. Then I only left “ubicada” because I couldn’t rip it off. The verb, “ubicarse” in Spanish is one of my favorite words. It means “to situate oneself” or some say, “to locate oneself.” When you feel “desubicada,” it’s like feeling out of sorts or discombobulated (another fabulous word).

Then, one morning, I finished my prayer meditation, and sat on the floor looking at the picture. I jumped on Facebook. I watched all of the events in Baltimore, Nepal and much more. And this poem came to me. I wrote it on the canvas.

Trust the Habit of Peace

Trust the habit of peace and unraveling

there is a knowing and a flailing

you are more than the sadness and happiness in this bowl

the ubicada and desubicada

you are the light of a mother in yellow pulling her son with fury out of the fury screaming sunshine amidst the burning

there is rubble in Nepal

Po po pushing for peace

some scared

and pushing our sons

Please now

the bowl of is, and is not, is overflowing

listen

crack the egg

let it flow so we can find courage

prick up our ears

today is the Sabbath

today let us walk barefoot

and remember our piece of creation

your fingers and my fingers are the same

reach for me and let me pull you

bearhug

You can feel safety again

plant seeds, water

phosphorescent photosynthesis

and open the window of your heart

let these words bring peace

Why Guilt Doesn’t Fit in Your Bowl

It’s tough for me to explain, but if I take that bowl of dry ingredients and crack an egg in it, then start whisking the egg together, it’s actually me. It’s all of me at the same time. It’s life. We can be happy and sad at the same time.

Guess what, here is the bonus insight: you can leave out guilt! Think of guilt as the needless genetically modified chemical-filled ingredient which you don’t want in your bowl anyway.

See, I could feel guilty that my mom bought eight pounds of mouth-watering delicious cheese for my spring break visit because she was excited to see me and I wasn’t there to eat it. (For the full impact of the cheese connection, you can read this post.)

Or, I could just accept what’s in my bowl: the sadness, relief and happiness. My persistent shoulder blade pain can be relieved if I just crack that egg and whisk it all together, accepting what is, while refusing to judge it.

Did you catch that? Let those feelings move through you without judging them. You don’t have to spiral into how you are a bad friend, son, daughter, spouse, parent or human being. And that’s what Sheila Pai’s meditation has helped me to do.

Wait! This just in from the inimitable poet Terry Spencer Edwards. Upon reading this post, she added something so insightful, I had to share: “This is indeed a powerful post. I got so much out of it, my sister. And it reminded me that if you don’t crack the egg, you can never fully bake your potential…and get yourself ready to create the next confection. Forgive the metaphor, but it is powerful to remember that the dry ingredients are good, important, essential, but they change into something else once the egg is cracked…something flowing, something that can rise.”

And that, my friends, is what co-creation is all about. That is why I invited you to teach me.

A few final resources to help you with the stuff in your bowl:

1. This radio show on Synthesis and Synchronicity by Maria Rodriguez was a major factor, as in life-changing, in the way I allow myself to receive and perceive information.

2. These resources about tribal shame, a concept unraveled by Dr. Mario Martinez in his book, The MindBody Code: How to Change the Beliefs that Limit Your Health, Longevity, and Success: Elizabeth Gilbert’s Facebook post about it; Bethany Webster’s article titled The Importance of Enduring Discomfort for the Sake of Transformation.

3. Sheila Pai has created a loving, nurturing space in her A Living Family site. You already know I love her Nurturing You book. I also so wish I could be at her Mindful Mama retreat on May 16. She only has 5 spots left so if you are anywhere near Philly or want to fly there, check it out! She has some a cool e-course on Mindful Communications too. I just love the way she shows up in the world with compassion and connection.

4. Scorpio Moon resources: there are some major planetary shifts going on right now, including a full moon tonight. I enjoyed Carrie Ara Campbell’s comforting post about what to expect during this time. If you find yourself over-reacting or having “old stuff” triggered, it could be that you are sensitive to what’s going on in the world. As a conceptual anchor, it is believed that Buddha actually achieved enlightenment during the Scorpio moon. I also just learned valuable information on a call today from Christina Caudill about the subject. I think you can sign up here to receive the recording of that call. (I also must credit her with the fabulous term “woo-woo crew.”)

Phew! I am going to have to keep this post as a reference for myself because I’m still learning all of this. Thanks for sticking with me.

So, from my bowl to yours, I invite you to crack the egg, baby! It’s life, it’s love and the world needs what’s in your bowl. The world needs YOU!

Rebecca’s Birthday Blog Giveaway: UNVEIL OF MY NEW NOVEL!

Posted by rebeccainspiresnow

Here goes my beautiful blog readers! With huge amounts of gratitude to you! I JUST opened my box of proofs of my novel. #soreal #dreamscometrue

If you have friends who enjoy my blog posts because you share them or if you have friends who might like my novel, The Amazing Adventures of Selma Calderon, A Globetrotting Magical Mystery of Courage Food and Friendship, please encourage them to follow the blog via email! Love to all of you! And thank you! All of my followers will be entered to win my book plus two more to give to friends!* (*International readers may receive the e-book. :))

I just opened the box 30 minutes ago, you can view the video here.

Here’s an Opening for You…Straight from the Doughnut Phone

Posted by rebeccainspiresnow

You’ve heard of the Batphone. But have you heard of the Doughnut phone? I just received three mission-specific steps to expanding your life. Are you up for it? Let’s go!

1. Let the light in. As a first step, try experiencing some kind of art. I wrote this poem for you. Have a listen and feel chosen. It’s called “Cannelloni Thinking Cap.” https://soundcloud.com/rebecca-villarreal-author/cannelloni-thinking-cap

2. Clear your space. It may be the space in your head, your heart or your junk drawer. You don’t have to do it all at once, but consider what your life would be like if you could find what you need when you needed it; if you could make clear decisions without second-guessing or over-analyzing; or if you could attract friendships and relationships which are truly fulfilling. I took a Clutter Buster Video Course with Kerri Richardson and it changed the way I looked at my piles and drawers. It has helped me let go of hundreds of books and bags of clothes–all the while knowing other people will enjoy them! I even threw away thirty years worth of journals and my high school yearbook. Now I have space to create what is most important to me. And I’m still clearing stuff!

Another resource is Marie Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. Here are a couple of articles about her approach from The New York Times and The Huffington Post. This one made me laugh out loud because Kondo is a bit quirky and I like her for it. The basic tenets of her approach involve pulling out everything in one category (like books or clothes) and dumping it all on the floor. Then you go piece by piece asking if each item brings you joy. Only keep items that bring joy. Sounds simple, but as we know, there are emotions other than joy, like guilt, attached to things. Kerri Richardson’s course helps you uncover the “stuff” around those items, thoughts or feelings, so that you can decide what brings you joy. If you’re interested in her 6-week, Clutter Buster Video Course, it starts on April 27. She has an early bird registration offer which lasts until April 17. You may also want to visit her site: kerririchardson.com.

3. Take action for 100 days. Check out #The100DayProject. It springs from a class at The Yale School of Art and encourages everyone to participate in 100 days of making. You can start it whenever you want. I started a few days ago. Lots of folks began on April 6. The site includes tips and ideas to get you going. You can tag your posts on Instagram or elsewhere with #The100DayProject and #100Daysof____ (your chosen action).

I’m documenting my participation on Instagram here. My chosen actions are #CreateClearMove. As I prepare to relocate and publish my novel The Amazing Adventures of Selma Calderón, a Globetrotting Magical Mystery of Courage, Food & Friendship, I’m using this project to help me stand firmly in my light. I’d like to spend the next 100 days creating art and clearing space for a new life. I also want to move my body every day and move my family to a beautiful new state! I’m inviting you to follow me on Instagram and to participate in your own 100 Days of…joy!

What can you do to create an opening in your life? Write a poem? Donate items from your closet? Dance in your living room for 100 days? Make someone’s heart sing with one free smile? Just imagine the possibilities and choose something. Choose YOU!

I see you.

Posted by rebeccainspiresnow

I see you.

Today, I see you. I see the little girl or little boy who loved to climb across the rocks in the creek. I see the mint chocolate chip ice cream dripping down your hand. I see your favorite terry cloth shorts and top, yellow like the sun. I see how you played Double Dutch and kickball in the middle of the street. I see your shoulders slump when the ball lands in Mrs. Murdoch’s yard. I see your dreams of dancing with Alvin Ailey. I see you spinning in your mom’s living room until you fall in a diagonal and just avoid hitting your head on the coffee table.

I see all that you were as a child. I see all that you are now.

I see your heart open and expand.

Lotus flower blooms.

Inhale, then exhale while saying Lotus flower blooms.

You are exactly where you’re supposed to be.

The shape of your lips, the curve of your hips, the crooked middle toe.

You are you.

Breathe again.

You are a gift.

Breathe some more.

You are worthy.

Inhale once more, then, spin around the living room. Order that ice cream cone. Let your foot slip on the rock. Your Converse is soaked. Feel the sun and the laughter.

You have that little girl or boy inside of you.

You have that joy.

Let her out.

Let him out.

Ask every morning, “What cha wanna to do today?”

Then listen. And see.

And live.

Remember, I see you. You can too.

Love,

Bekita Linda

The Bravemakers are coming!

Posted by rebeccainspiresnow

Hurry! The Bravemakers are coming! The Bravemakers are coming! Today in honor of International Women’s Day, I want to share one of my favorite time-sensitve FREE resources for you. The theme for International Women’s Day is “Make it Happen.” On Monday, March 9, Jennifer Lee’s 5th Annual Right-Brainers in Business Video Summit begins. If you participate, it will give you that spark to make it happen! The summit runs through March 20th. (Guess what, it just might be the last one.) What’s a video summit? It’s an experience that’s open to anyone in the entire world who has access to the Internet. Just click here and enter your first name and email address to gain access to daily interviews with the most courageous and thoughtful creative entrepreneurs. Every weekday at 1pm ET, you’ll meet an “established” creative entrepreneur as well as a shining star. I’m excited that Katherine Carey, New York’s boldest milliner artist will be featured as a shining star. I’m tickled that I own one of her hats and even featured her on this very blog! Even if you can’t view the videos live, signing up will give you access for at least 24 hours after the video is aired. Here’s a peek at the line up: For more info, visit: http://rightbrainersinbusiness.com As Jennifer’s introductory video states, taking this time to participate, “gives you permission to listen to your deepest longings.” She speaks the truth. Two years ago, I listened, took a courageous plunge and made a declaration when I applied for a scholarship to Jenn’s premium group (you’ll learn more about that when you sign up). Here’s what I said:

In the video, you can see how nervous I am to declare my dream in a public venue. I want to thank you, dear readers, for cheering me on because I won the scholarship. I’m forever grateful to Jenn Lee for giving me a forum (and the gentle push) I needed to keep plugging away at my dream. In the last line of my scholarship application video, I promised to give back one hundred fold. I’ve committed 5% of all net proceeds from the book to go to non-profit organizations benefitting youth. And then guess what happened? I got connected to a very supportive group of creatives from New York to Australia including Beth Barany and Stacey Aronson whom I hired to help birth my book, The Amazing Adventures of Selma Calderón, A Globetrotting Magical Mystery of Courage, Food and Friendship. I’ve worked on this book for more than a decade, but did not take the true leap to publish it until I took a risk and made that declaration. You will have the chance to read my book this coming August! I’m taking another leap at the same time and moving my family to our dream town on the West Coast. Without being surrounded by inspiring stories like these, I don’t think I’d be here sharing my PUBLICATION DATE–it’s August 2015! August 2015! Think about joining me and creatives from around the world at the summit from March 9-20. Make it happen. Join us any day you can. Take a chance and dream! For more information about Jennifer Lee’s Books, visit her author page and her website. The Amazing Adventures of Selma Calderón, A Globetrotting Magical Mystery of Courage, Food and Friendship cover was designed by Alvaro Villanueva of Bookish Design.

I Love You More than a Boy Cheese Sandwich

Posted by rebeccainspiresnow

How I’ve missed you! I have so much to share with you today. First, let me tell you why I love you more than a boy cheese sandwich. When I was a wee one, I thought grilled cheese was “girl cheese.” So a girl cheese with ham was a “boy cheese” sandwich. I love cheese.

True story: As a toddler, in order for my mom to get me to walk home from the “avenue” (where she went to the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker), she’d buy a pound of sliced muenster cheese. She’d take out that slice of cheese and hold it out in front of me. You get where this is going. I followed her home, eating slice after slice. Ergo, cheese = love.

Today, my act of love is to share some of the tools that have shaped my ability to love myself and you. For if I cannot love myself, how can I love you? Think of this post as a meander down your favorite aisles of the grocery store. If I was in the cheese section, for example, I might pick up my favorite Petite Basque, some shredded asiago and ask Robbie, my cheese guy, for some tips on a slightly stinky variety. My only hope is that you think about opening at least one of these gifts. Some are free and some are recommendations for books and courses.

Aisle 1: Forgiveness I’ve touched upon forgiveness before, but I have never known forgiveness like I know it now. Here’s what made all the difference: the e-course “Forgiveness with Iyanla: How to Forgive Everyone for Everything.” If you find yourself holding on to even the most minute grudges, this is for you. If you are hard on yourself, constantly striving and finding a level of internal criticism, (even mental abuse) for your behavior, thoughts, judgements, food choices, friendship or relationship choices, this course is for you. Basically, if you’re human and would like to begin to feel a flow in life that’s new and different, check it out here. And if you’re not ready for the course, she has also recently released a book Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything.

Aisle 2: Relaxation Relax? How can you ask me to relax? I have so much to do! I am busy! I don’t have time for that, you, exercise, meditation, meal planning, writing, pursuing my dreams. Guess what, there is a way. Check out Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. She helps us overachiever types learn, “I am imperfect and I am enough.” The chapters are short! If you haven’t seen her Ted talks, watch this one first and this one second. And to get a sense of how wonderfully human she is, watch this short excerpt of a speech on blaming which was animated. It’s one of my favorite stories of hers and I think you’ll love it!

Or if you’re not a reader and you feel like taking an e-course on the your computer, tablet or phone, my husband and I have been enjoying her course called The Power of Vulnerability through Udemy. She also has a course on the book which I have not taken myself, but have had friends who have enjoyed it. You can view that information here.

Aisle 3: Meditation You only need 10 minutes a day for meditation or even less! Here are some of my favorite resources:

1. Insight Timer app: this app for your phone contains the most eclectic mix of guided meditation from 1 minute to 30 minutes and it’s free. My son and I often use this app to help us fall asleep.

2. Kirtan Kriya Meditation: You can purchase this on amazon or iTunes or do your own search. It’s been studied by Harvard and the National Institutes of Health for its impacts on age-related cognitive decline and depression. There’s a slide show here to learn more. You are expected to feel and see great energetic shifts if you do it for 40 days or more. I learned it in December and did the 13 minute version for 40 days and saw tremendous changes in the way people reacted to me, everywhere I went. It’s hard to explain the shift, but it’s a lot like winning the lottery for your heart and spirit.

3. 21-Day Mantra Meditation Journey with Deva Premal and Miten: I first participated in this meditation for free through Mentors Channel. And guess what, there is a Vol II starting on February 14th! I’m so excited for us! I didn’t even know that until I was writing this post for you. Here’s the link to sign up! I purchased Volume 1 through iTunes because I enjoyed it so much. What’s fun about these meditations is that they are in Sanskrit, a language which is more than 5,000 years old. Deva and Miten explain a little bit about the mantra before we begin chanting to their beautiful music. Sometimes I just listen to it rather than chant along if I can’t keep up. I do it in the morning, on the bus, on the L and even while walking. Ideally you are still for meditation, but I’ve learned to make it work with my lifestyle.

(**This just in: Oprah and Deepak Chopra just announced a new free 21-Day series called “Manifesting Success” beginning on March 16. You can sign up here. I’ve enjoyed several of their free meditations before. For first timers, this may be an easier starter than the chanting above.)

Aisle 4: Spirit Vacation I’ve recently experienced a revolution in my faith. You don’t have to believe in a certain God to read on. I’m not going to suggest that you take my path up the mountain, I’m suggesting “seeking” as a kind of vacation. Here are some resources to help you explore the freedom of letting go.

1. Thich Nhat Hanh: I’m recommending several books by this Vietnamese Buddhist monk who was nominated by Martin Luther King for the Nobel Peace Prize: Teachings on Love (which I’ve never read in a linear way–I just let the pages pick me). The meditations at the back are priceless especially Touching The Earth in Chapter 13. I also love his Living Buddha, Living Christ, The Long Road Turns to Joy: A Guide to Walking Meditation, Anger and No Death, No Fear, which is a priceless resource for any kind of grief.

2. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young: A friend started snapping pictures of this daily devotional and sending them to me. It felt like back in the nineties when I read Simple Abundance but with God and a few excerpts from the Bible sprinkled in. My experience as a Catholic Buddhist is that I know very little about the Bible so this has been a fun way for me to learn more and also receive a single message every day which hinges on trust. Along a similar vein, I have recently enjoyed the e-book 9 Days to a Deeper Prayer Life with the Holy Spirit by Anne and John-Paul Deddens. It’s only 99 cents and it’s a lovely way to start my day by reading these short prayers on my phone.

3. The Sufi Book of Life: 99 Pathways of the Heart for the Modern Dervish by Neil Douglas-Klotz: This is a wonderful book to use as an oracle. When you are feeling like you need some guidance, just let the pages fall open. When I opened it just now, it came up with “The ‘I Can’ Power of the Cosmos.” You’ll learn some incredibly powerful approaches to life that date way back and yet integrate multiple traditions. I’m still exploring this book as I write this. Each chapter is only approximately four pages long.

I hope you enjoyed this trip with me down the aisles of my spiritual grocery store. Remember that free samples are always available through Google. If someone appeals to you, find their website or Facebook page and sign up for email updates or “like” them. Then you’ll get those bite-sized chunks to taste.

Remember, I love you more than a boy cheese sandwich!

PS: Now that I’ve made you crave a girl or boy cheese, check out one of my new favorite movies (which is on Netflix) – it’s Chef! And here’s the video of the making of the perfect girl cheese sandwich. (Note: adult language used in both videos.)

**I am not an affiliate of any of these resources so I don’t get anything but happiness knowing you may pick one for your heart.**

Three Wishes: A New Way to New Year’s

Posted by rebeccainspiresnow

My friends! Happy New Year! I made this video just for you to thank you and offer an alternative to making resolutions. You are amazing! Watch and see! All my love, xo Rebecca

“Olé!” Preparing Your Heart for Thanksgiving

Posted by rebeccainspiresnow

Loves, this is not another gratitude post. This is a how to live in the now and not let thoughts, feelings and relatives (alive or dead) drive you insane post.

The video above is proof of bloodlines. My son is not just another kid dancing flamenco on bubble wrap. This is the spirit of my grandmother, Mama Chelo, who passed away last year just shy of her 106^th birthday. She and I used to dance flamenco together in her living room.

In the U.S. lots of families and friends are gathering tomorrow to inhale large amounts of food, hold hands and express gratitude. There may also be some grief for the empty seats around the table.

Their Spirits Run Through You

One of my greatest teachers, Thich Nhat Hanh, has taught me so much about love, grief, anger and staying present. When it comes to grief, he reminds us that the blood of our ancestors runs through us. I think my son’s dancing is empirical evidence of that fact given that he only met Mama Chelo once. (See the photo below.) I’d take that theory even further and assert that amazing people who have influenced our lives, and may not be blood relatives, also run through us. Sit in the knowledge that some part of the way we interact with the world is credited to the people who came before us.

Take the Car Keys from the Crazy-Makers

I imagine several of you may also be rehearsing conversations in your heads with certain family members. You may be anticipating conflict or a nice serving of guilt ladled out with the gravy. Or maybe you’re spending it alone and mourning disappointments for a lost childhood.

If you’ve ever thought, “He drives me crazy,” here’s a suggestion: don’t hand him (or her) the car keys. And that goes for your thoughts and feelings too. You are the only licensed driver of your heart and head. Why hand the keys over to someone who’s had too much chardonnay?

Here’s one solution for you. It’s a short RAIN meditation recently gifted to me:

R-recognize (just notice what’s in your mind)

A-awareness (be aware of any feeling associated with what’s in your mind at the time of meditation)

I-investigate (investigate in your body from the neck down where you feel it)

N-natural observation (do you have evidence in your natural surroundings to support or refute your feelings or thoughts)

Keep in mind RAIN is just observing and feeling–nothing more. No analyzing or judging. It doesn’t even need to make sense. To learn more about this meditation, click here.

Finally, if you need extra help, check out this article “Let it Go” from Psychology today, which details steps to help you do just that.

And if all else fails: find some bubble wrap, start dancing and shout, “Olé!”

Shine the Pot: When to let go of friends (and family)

Posted by rebeccainspiresnow

You can Google “how to let go of toxic relationships” and find plenty of advice. But what about the kerfluffle, the cotton candy relationships that peck away at your energy? Or the people you love who either don’t have the time and energy for you or choose to spend it elsewhere.

Like everyone, I’ve received a lot of advice over the years about friendships, family and staying healthy. One of my favorites after I was hospitalized for a stress-induced “heart incident” was this:

Only give energy to relationships in which the other person is also giving energy.”

He went even further to tell me, it doesn’t matter if that person is a member of your family.

What?

I know. Here’s the thing: you deserve love. If you find yourself pouring love, caring and energy into a bottomless pot, what happens? You get exhausted. You are not getting anything back.

If you can take some time to get quiet, even if it’s just 5-10 minutes a day to breathe without doing anything, you’ll get some clarity on who you want in your life.

When my mother cleaned the kitchen, she would periodically give our stainless steel teapot a really good scrub so it shined. It made the rest of the kitchen look extra clean. Recently, my husband scrubbed our Revere Ware pot (Mom’s brand). It looked like new even though it’s twenty years old!

I started thinking about how good it would feel to be shiny and new after all that time. Cleaning away the relationships whose seasons have expired is one way to get there.

This doesn’t mean you need to hurt people. Or yourself. It also doesn’t mean you’re cutting people out for life. It’s just an intention to spend your energy on relationships that give back.

Some folks won’t even notice when you fade from their radar.

When I left the pot crusty

I let a nearly 20-year friendship go too long. I became a “fixer” in the relationship. I wanted her to be someone else: she needed to fit my vision of healthy and whole. I thought I was doing it because I loved her. That may be partly true. I also think I held on to that friendship because I wanted her to be there for me in a certain way. She couldn’t. My actions were hurting her. I’m deep in my heart sorry for that. She ended the friendship in a grateful handwritten letter. It was the best gift. A space opened up inside me. Not surprisingly, my energy cleared, and within a few weeks, I met a new friend who is absolutely lovely. And it made me recognize my own unhealthy behavior of attachment. I wrote about expectations and attachment in a past post you may want to read if this resonates with you.

When I started scrubbing

That growth experience also allowed me to tell another friend, “I get why you choose not to put energy into our friendship. And it’s okay. I’m not a priority. These other things are more important in your life right now. I recognize that we won’t get together unless I initiate it.” She thanked me for understanding and being supportive of her life choices. She said she wished others saw her that way so she didn’t feel like people were upset or disappointed with her so often. She says she loves and misses me and doesn’t put any action behind her words. I realized she can have those feelings even if she doesn’t take action.

In our relationship, I employ a loving detachment, which I read about in Father James Martin’s Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything.

So I put my energies into relationships where the feelings and actions are reciprocal.

It’s keeping my pot shiny and full.

Shine your pot, fill it up and let the most important folks in your life fill it too.

Superpower Unveiled: Contentment

Posted by rebeccainspiresnow

This is not my first, nor my last post about superpowers. Or being a superhero.

It is the first time I’m writing about contentment and sharing some steps as to how I got there. The photo above was taken after an elated moment at the World Domination Summit, a gathering of people dedicated to adventure, service and community. Together we dared to answer the question, “How do I live an unconventional life in a conventional world?”

Clearly, donning a cape in public is the first step. I was inspired by Dee Williams who created her cape out of an airplane blanket during her speech about her life’s journey to building her own tiny house. (Read a perfect tiny blog post about this speech by Tiny House builder Ethan here.) Dee asked us to stand up and tie an imaginary cape around our necks. It may not surprise you that I used my wrap as a real cape in that moment. And that I walked out of the theater and down to the waterfront wearing said cape.

Try it. Right now. Stand up, shake your cape out in front of you, like you’re shaking out a sheet or towel before you fold it. Only this time, flip it around and over your head. You walk taller with a cape. You have to thrust your shoulders back to keep it in alignment. And you are driven by a strong desire to plant your feet firmly in an open stance with your balled up fists resting on your hips.

Try walking outside with your imaginary cape. No one has to know but you. You’ll notice that you have better posture and that your confidence experiences a little lift.

All that superhero set up is to tell you that recently, I went through an all-time low. Sad, dejected, I can’t quite say hopeless, but I was in the swamp. I saw it for what it was, some things happening in my life, some in my heart and some in the world.

I asked friends for help. They gave it to me with supportive words, hugs and perspective.

I also reached deep into my bucket of resources and remained open to the ones that fell in my lap. Here’s what I found

Core Desired Feelings: Many of you know that I’m a believer in the Desire Map approach by Danielle LaPorte. It’s very simple. You figure out how you want to feel every day and you keep those same feelings front of mind, and heart. My Core Desired Feelings for the last few months have been Olympic Free Trusting Joy. (Note: you can change your Core Desired Feelings when the time is right for you.) I actually analyzed what in my life was lending itself to fulfilling those feelings. And I found one thing that was completely jacking it up: JEALOUSY. I thought I wasn’t one of those people that experiences jealousy, you know, those human people. Then I realized I wanted someone else’s freedom. Freedom of time. And that was making me angry. I know, I know, be grateful, grass isn’t greener and all that. Come on, Rebecca, INSPIRE NOW! I couldn’t, until I zeroed in on the areas of my life where I’m free. So I took a five-hour semi-spontaneous bike ride along the lake and even went swimming in my biking clothes.

I looked for other smaller windows of freedom like the quiet moment of reflection over my favorite Assam tea. Then I looked at areas of my job where I’m so free to create new tools to help the folks I love and adore. And the list kept expanding until I forgot about looking at someone else’s freedoms and I couldn’t find my jealousy because I was too busy being content and noticing miracles around me…like the tree pictured below on my bike path to work. If you want to play with generating your own Core Desired Feelings, visit this groovy graphic maker where you can plug in your favorite words to make your own electronic or printable visual reminder.

Tapping: I had heard about the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) from two of my most trusted advisors over the last few years and had dabbled, but not really tried. Tapping or EFT, is a blend of acupressure and talk therapy that has been scientifically proven to alter your brain chemistry. And here’s the kicker, you do it on yourself! I took a free webinar from Jessica Ortner to use tapping for weight loss, but really, I have used it to deal with anxiety, anger or sadness (in the form of disappointment mostly). It has been one of the most powerful paths to letting go of those feelings. It’s so simple, this short video is my go-to right now just to remind myself how to do it. The best part of tapping has been that it allows the “negative” feeling to bubble up and move through me, then allows me to still love and accept myself. (As opposed to that internal script, “You shouldn’t feel this way! Look how fortunate you are!) This is particularly helpful to those of us who focus so much on gratitude that sometimes we smush down the negative feelings deeper and deeper so they have no where to go but in our guts, or to manifest in other physical triggers of stress. You can also just search EFT on YouTube and find a range of videos.

The No-Diet: If you’re a faithful reader, you know I’ve spent time green juicing and being a vegan and a vegetarian as well as thriving with Weight Watchers. I loved those moments and I loved how I felt. Here’s the kicker: I’m done. I’m done with those rules and that rigor. I love food. I love exercise—fun stuff like biking, walking, swimming, yoga, soccer and dancing. So that’s it. I’m just eating real food. And drinking real wine. Mostly Pinot Noir and Rioja. No more rules. Just paying attention to what I eat, keeping it mostly whole organic non-GMO. And I’m so content.

There are more things I’ve been doing, like binge TV watching on the Kindle while doing dishes and working out (Scandal, Modern Family, Green Arrow). That’s been another outlet when I’m jonesin’ for freedom because it’s simple fun. I’ve made dates with my husband and with friends. I’ve laughed a lot with my kid. And I’ve prayed to God, my guardian angels and my guides to just help me be a vessel and make things easy. Mostly, I haven’t overdone anything. And for me, that’s revolutionary. That’s contentment.

I’m sending you a cape, some good posture and a superhero hug from me. Just be. You’re enough. You’re enough. You’re enough. And if you have any doubt, click on this Kid President video or watch it below. To quote him, “You have everything right now to change the world. If you want to be awesome, treat people awesome. I’m talking about compassion.” Sometimes, you have to treat yourself with compassion. Sometimes you have to see yourself as awesome, just the way you are.